In this post, I will candidly share with readers of my blog a glimpse of the actual level of pain/suffering I have been going through to continue my writing efforts. I am doing this in order to ask readers’ prayers to be given to God to grant healing and deliverance for me from many longstanding and acute afflictions. Indeed, I have reached the point that without God’s healing and help, my ability to continue writing at all is in doubt.
Many readers have known I live in chronic pain. It is true that I have had various chronic pains from a major, near-fatal accident in 1981, but there is far more than that. Recently, I suffered excruciating pain in my prostate region which echoed a kidney stone pain I had in 1996 when a kidney stone wedged in my prostate/urethra region. My daughter took me to a local ER last night and even IV morphine only lowered the pain from about a level 9 to a 4. If I did have a kidney stone, it must have passed as no kidney stones appeared on the CT scan. It hurts quite badly and it is very hard to sit on any chair or find any comfortable position. Also, I apparently bulged out a lumbar disc recently that is also causing high levels of constant pain and limiting my mobility. I have a pain killer, Nucynta, which is of minimal help and I also have a TENS unit which is also of minimal help. Tomorrow I’m scheduled to see a concussion doctor to monitor my recovery from a concussion injury last August 31. I could not pass balance tests for some time, and only recently resumed driving short distances. I still suffer concentration, short-term memory and pain issues from that concussion injury. I have also suffered from a loud tinnitus in both ears for the last two years. It is hard for doctors to find adequate pain relief for me as I was on hydrocodone from 1996 until January, 2010 (due to a wayward surgery by a surgeon who operated on my prostate without any prior consultation about it when I was anesthetized). I had to go everywhere (including Jerusalem in 2000) to try and alleviate the major pain while sitting. With 15 years of continuous hydrocodone usage, my body became so used to hydrocodone that it hardly had any effect on my system when I discontinued its use (in the same month my tinnitus hit hard one afternoon) . I also cannot take any painkiller or anti-inflammatory in the aspirin or NSAID families of drugs as it worsens my tinnitus so it greatly complicates what painkiller can be used in my body.
One doctor tried oxycontin on me for pain relief and it had no more effect on me than a sugar pill. I actually asked him if it was a placebo because it had no noticeable painkilling effect on me whatsoever and he assured me it was the real thing.
I have previously mentioned my PTSD in posts. I’ll give some brief insights into its origin. In 1980, when I was a 19 or 20 year old “babe in Christ,” I left home to stay in Iowa with a deacon in the Worldwide Church of God (WCG). The WCG was Herbert Armstrong’s organization. I was sent there by my parents with “doctor’s orders” to take tranquilizers as they opposed my religious choice. The WCG deacon then gave me increasing doses of whiskey with the tranquilizers to help me “recover.” Instead, I went into convulsions on a combination of drug and alcohol which I learned later was a potentially lethal mixture. Two WCG “ministers” came to see me. As far as I’m concerned, they were a sorcerer and sorcerer’s apprentice. I was tied to a chair for much of the night and experienced what some have called ritual satanic abuse. The lead “pastor” repeatedly ordered me to surrender my mind to a demon that he called into the scene. I can still recall him saying “I adjure you in the name of Jesus Christ to give your mind to this demon.” The young WCG “pastoral assistant” voiced no objections to any of this religious malpractice. The lead pastor told me after I refused to surrender my mind to the demon that God had “decided to leave me demon-possessed.” Think of what that would do to you if you had that burden placed on you at age 20. I’ll spare you the really scary stuff I was forced to live through that night as I don’t want to give you nightmares. I’ve had to live with the nightmares and flashbacks…for decades. I am receiving very good and competent help for many years from a Counselor who specializes in PTSD treatment. Years ago, a Counselor made a criminal referral to the authorities about the two “pastors” behavior, but it was determined that the statute of limitations was passed so these “pastors” never had to be held responsible for their deeds. I won’t trouble you with the details of my three previous concussions, all of which rendered me unconscious.
Then two days ago I experienced a sudden, totally unexpected, and very deep personal heartbreak, the specifics of which I will not discuss in this post. It is too personal. However, it has hurt me beyond words.
I’ve tried to serve God for the last 25 years in a writing career after my severe injury in 1981. Five printed books, an E-book now on my website, about 1200 blog posts, many speeches and articles, etc. have been produced and I have heard from many that their lives have been greatly edified by reading and listening to my written and spoken materials. I hope it has all borne good fruit for the Kingdom of God and for the cause of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ/Yahshua, the coming King and Messiah of all. However, my pain and affliction levels have now reached the point that I must focus all my efforts on my personal recovery. I very much want to write more books, articles, blogs, etc., but my ability to do so is now entirely dependent on when God provides the necessary healing and answers to my needs to be able to do more writing efforts.
I ask those readers who have benefited from my writings or messages to earnestly pray that God would heal and restore me and meet my very deep personal needs. I hope that as a result of your prayers, God will be moved to swiftly heal, restore and bless me so I can again resume writing to glorify God in these end times. I don’t want to take a “Sabbatical.” I want to write vigorously for God with joy, health and gladness and again be able to travel and speak like I was once able to do! If I have the health to post to my blog and finish my almost completed research paper on tithing and another article on UFOs and the Bible, I’ll do so. Please knock on Heaven’s door for me for me. The need is urgent, and that is why I have humbled myself to candidly share my needs with readers (there are more than what I have shared in this posting). Thank you all for your prayers and support. I’ll write as soon as (and whenever) God makes me able to do so.